and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
