Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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