i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
