I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
