hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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