Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
