theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
