wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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