alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize