the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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