You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
