i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
