my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
