my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
A+ Viking dick
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
