My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
