The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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