I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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