He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Sober January is a disaster.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize