Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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