apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
