Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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