my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Who died my cat blue again?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
