My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just threw up on my dentist
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
