Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
