you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
