I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize