the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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