I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
