Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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