If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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