I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize