dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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