After last night, I could never be a politician.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
