I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
