did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
