genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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