so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
