She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
