great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
false alarm. still invincible.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
