you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
