Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
