Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
