we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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