ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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