yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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