Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
