you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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