yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize