How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
