just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Boobs speak an international language.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
