I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
