we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
