My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i think i have herpe
just one?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
