If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
