When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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