I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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