Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
