So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
