I murdered the dance floor call the cops
please come you make the beer taste better
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
